FIC--Wallowing in Self-Pity, part ten
Jul. 20th, 2007 01:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ficsbydeenasTitle: Wallowing in Self-Pity
Chapter Ten
Chapter Rating: PG13
Summary:Too many things have gone wrong. Too many people have suffered, even though the battle is won. A self-imposed exile is all he thinks he deserves.
CHAPTER TEN
"Come on, let's go down by the pond, okay?" Ginny took Harry's hand and let him out of the broom shed. They walked in silence until they were under the shade of the sweeping willow tree where Ginny sat down quietly and crossed her legs lotus style. "Sit."
He nodded and threw himself onto the crunchy grass, reclining back on his elbows. "So, what did you want to know? I've been answering questions all day, so why stop now? Are you going to yell at me and hit me, too?"
Ginny shook her head and looked at him contemplatively and blinked a few times, as if she were gathering her thoughts. "Did you love her?"
"Claire? No. She was great and all…" He paused as she rolled her eyes. "But after awhile, it was just all about…you know." He looked down and began picking at the grass.
"No, I don't know, Harry." She lifted his chin with her hand. "You have to explain it to me."
"When I got your letter at Christmas, she found it and started asking questions again. I couldn't answer them because I didn't know the answers myself. You really hurt me with that letter, Ginny."
"Good, that was the point, after all."
"I ignored her for a while after that but she was pretty persistent." Harry ran a hand through his hair and dreaded telling Ginny about the rest. "So after that, all we did was have sex. She said she loved me, but it just didn't feel right to me. See, when I met her," he began and shifted to lie on his stomach, "she'd just been dumped by her boyfriend. We really hit it off when we met and it all just moved too fast."
"So you kept fucking her when you didn't even care about her?"
"To put it bluntly, yes. I was so lonely and I think her being around is what kept me from going crazy."
Ginny sat there silently observing him. She then laid in the grass next to him, her head close to his. "Was she your first?"
"Why are you asking me about my sex life? It's not that important, Ginny." He felt very uncomfortable talking about something this personal, especially with her.
"It is, Harry."
He sighed. "Yes, she was. And it didn't happen right away, if that's your next question." He stopped and looked at her, expecting her to interrupt him. When she didn't, he continued. "It was what I needed at the time."
"Okay, that sounds reasonable. So ask me some questions, you look like you need a break."
"Okay, thanks. Did you see anyone while I was gone?" He dreaded the answer he knew would come but her needed to know, for better or worse.
"No. And before you ask why, I'll tell you," she answered. "I was angry. Too angry to even think about letting someone get close to me the way you did. Oh sure, I could have gone round and slept with anything with a penis, but frankly, I didn't want to do that to myself."
"You're stronger than I was."
"I dunno, Harry. You're only human, we just made different choices, I s'pose."
"I guess so. Why aren't you in school? At Christmas you said you were in Hogwarts."
She shifted back up to sit and leaned against the trunk of the tree. "Well, to tell you the truth, I quit. Oh close your mouth, Harry." When he obeyed, she continued. "Mum was at her wits' end, trying to keep Ron from going off the deep end, and when Hermione gave Ron her ultimatum, she needed someone to make sure he got to his appointments. Mum was just getting herself together at that point, and I didn't want to make her even more nervous."
"That still doesn't explain why you left," he pointed out, moving back to sit across from her.
"I knew everything they were trying to teach me. I knew all the Defence stuff and Charms was practically useless for me since I was the one LEFT BEHIND to mop up everyone when they got hurt."
Harry couldn't help but cringe at the tone in her voice as she spoke. He knew that whatever anger Ron had toward him didn't prepare him for the bitterness Ginny obviously felt.
"So, after the new year, I left. I'm taking my NEWTs, though, with the rest of my year. I just had to get away, you know?"
"Perfectly. Anything else you want to know, Ginny?" He began fiddling with his shoelaces.
"Why did you leave her, Harry? What made you change your mind about coming back here?"
"You. Ever since I ran into you in London, I couldn't stop thinking about you. You reminded me of how stupid I'd been and what I left behind," he admitted. "I hope that you can forgive me for leaving, Ginny."
"I could. But I don't know if I should," she muttered. "You really hurt me."
"And I'll keep apologising for that for the rest of my life if I have to." He took a chance and held one of her hands and pleaded with his eyes for her to forgive him. "I still care about you. A lot."
"I don't know what to say, Harry. I've been so angry at you for so long that I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore," she said, blowing her hair out of her face.
"I think I'd feel better if you just screamed at me and swatted me a few times. At least I'd know how to react to that." He smirked with half his mouth and held out hope that Ginny would forgive him at the least or love him again at the most.
"Give me some time, okay, Harry?" she reassured him. "I think Mum'll let you stay here until you get settled somewhere else."
"I don't know, Ginny. I'm not sure I can do that. I kind of got used to living on my own, y'know?"
She nodded. "But I'd like it if you did."
His face lit up at her comment.
Maybe there was hope after all…
Chapter Ten
Chapter Rating: PG13
Summary:Too many things have gone wrong. Too many people have suffered, even though the battle is won. A self-imposed exile is all he thinks he deserves.
"Come on, let's go down by the pond, okay?" Ginny took Harry's hand and let him out of the broom shed. They walked in silence until they were under the shade of the sweeping willow tree where Ginny sat down quietly and crossed her legs lotus style. "Sit."
He nodded and threw himself onto the crunchy grass, reclining back on his elbows. "So, what did you want to know? I've been answering questions all day, so why stop now? Are you going to yell at me and hit me, too?"
Ginny shook her head and looked at him contemplatively and blinked a few times, as if she were gathering her thoughts. "Did you love her?"
"Claire? No. She was great and all…" He paused as she rolled her eyes. "But after awhile, it was just all about…you know." He looked down and began picking at the grass.
"No, I don't know, Harry." She lifted his chin with her hand. "You have to explain it to me."
"When I got your letter at Christmas, she found it and started asking questions again. I couldn't answer them because I didn't know the answers myself. You really hurt me with that letter, Ginny."
"Good, that was the point, after all."
"I ignored her for a while after that but she was pretty persistent." Harry ran a hand through his hair and dreaded telling Ginny about the rest. "So after that, all we did was have sex. She said she loved me, but it just didn't feel right to me. See, when I met her," he began and shifted to lie on his stomach, "she'd just been dumped by her boyfriend. We really hit it off when we met and it all just moved too fast."
"So you kept fucking her when you didn't even care about her?"
"To put it bluntly, yes. I was so lonely and I think her being around is what kept me from going crazy."
Ginny sat there silently observing him. She then laid in the grass next to him, her head close to his. "Was she your first?"
"Why are you asking me about my sex life? It's not that important, Ginny." He felt very uncomfortable talking about something this personal, especially with her.
"It is, Harry."
He sighed. "Yes, she was. And it didn't happen right away, if that's your next question." He stopped and looked at her, expecting her to interrupt him. When she didn't, he continued. "It was what I needed at the time."
"Okay, that sounds reasonable. So ask me some questions, you look like you need a break."
"Okay, thanks. Did you see anyone while I was gone?" He dreaded the answer he knew would come but her needed to know, for better or worse.
"No. And before you ask why, I'll tell you," she answered. "I was angry. Too angry to even think about letting someone get close to me the way you did. Oh sure, I could have gone round and slept with anything with a penis, but frankly, I didn't want to do that to myself."
"You're stronger than I was."
"I dunno, Harry. You're only human, we just made different choices, I s'pose."
"I guess so. Why aren't you in school? At Christmas you said you were in Hogwarts."
She shifted back up to sit and leaned against the trunk of the tree. "Well, to tell you the truth, I quit. Oh close your mouth, Harry." When he obeyed, she continued. "Mum was at her wits' end, trying to keep Ron from going off the deep end, and when Hermione gave Ron her ultimatum, she needed someone to make sure he got to his appointments. Mum was just getting herself together at that point, and I didn't want to make her even more nervous."
"That still doesn't explain why you left," he pointed out, moving back to sit across from her.
"I knew everything they were trying to teach me. I knew all the Defence stuff and Charms was practically useless for me since I was the one LEFT BEHIND to mop up everyone when they got hurt."
Harry couldn't help but cringe at the tone in her voice as she spoke. He knew that whatever anger Ron had toward him didn't prepare him for the bitterness Ginny obviously felt.
"So, after the new year, I left. I'm taking my NEWTs, though, with the rest of my year. I just had to get away, you know?"
"Perfectly. Anything else you want to know, Ginny?" He began fiddling with his shoelaces.
"Why did you leave her, Harry? What made you change your mind about coming back here?"
"You. Ever since I ran into you in London, I couldn't stop thinking about you. You reminded me of how stupid I'd been and what I left behind," he admitted. "I hope that you can forgive me for leaving, Ginny."
"I could. But I don't know if I should," she muttered. "You really hurt me."
"And I'll keep apologising for that for the rest of my life if I have to." He took a chance and held one of her hands and pleaded with his eyes for her to forgive him. "I still care about you. A lot."
"I don't know what to say, Harry. I've been so angry at you for so long that I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore," she said, blowing her hair out of her face.
"I think I'd feel better if you just screamed at me and swatted me a few times. At least I'd know how to react to that." He smirked with half his mouth and held out hope that Ginny would forgive him at the least or love him again at the most.
"Give me some time, okay, Harry?" she reassured him. "I think Mum'll let you stay here until you get settled somewhere else."
"I don't know, Ginny. I'm not sure I can do that. I kind of got used to living on my own, y'know?"
She nodded. "But I'd like it if you did."
His face lit up at her comment.
Maybe there was hope after all…
