ficsbydeenas (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ficsbydeenas) wrote2006-05-18 05:36 pm
ficsbydeenas) wrote2006-05-18 05:36 pm
Entry tags:
FIC--Inner Monologue
Title: Inner Monologue
Pairing: Ron and Hermione
Rating: PG13
Words: 1492
Summary: Ron and Hermione are filled with angst.
Author’s Note: Written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nattieb for winning the 2000th Comment Contest. Thank you to magnolia_mama, ladytory and browneydweasley for the wonderful beta work on this.
Inner Monologue
~*~
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Pairing: Ron and Hermione
Rating: PG13
Words: 1492
Summary: Ron and Hermione are filled with angst.
Author’s Note: Written for
nattieb for winning the 2000th Comment Contest. Thank you to magnolia_mama, ladytory and browneydweasley for the wonderful beta work on this.~*~
It’s late. Stars twinkle brightly above me as I stare out the window for what seems like the millionth time since I left her. And it was only two days ago.
I feel empty. Incomplete. Lost. Broken. When I'm with her, though, I feel like a better version of me. She has no idea she does it to me. She’s my friend. I can’t risk it. I can’t lose her. But if we had more time…
More time? We’ve had over six years!
Why can’t I just say it to her face? I say it in my dreams every night and yet, when I had her in my arms and was stroking her hair in front of everyone, I still couldn’t say it. I need to tell her. I’ll die if I keep this up. There’s too much to lose and too much to gain.
I groan and lie flat on my back, wishing that the poster above my bed was a centrefold of her. No, that would be bad. I’d never get any sleep. Besides, Mum would take it down the second she found it.
I need Hermione. She’s here in my heart, where she’s meant to be.
Hermione.
I love you.
I feel empty. Incomplete. Lost. Broken. When I'm with her, though, I feel like a better version of me. She has no idea she does it to me. She’s my friend. I can’t risk it. I can’t lose her. But if we had more time…
More time? We’ve had over six years!
Why can’t I just say it to her face? I say it in my dreams every night and yet, when I had her in my arms and was stroking her hair in front of everyone, I still couldn’t say it. I need to tell her. I’ll die if I keep this up. There’s too much to lose and too much to gain.
I groan and lie flat on my back, wishing that the poster above my bed was a centrefold of her. No, that would be bad. I’d never get any sleep. Besides, Mum would take it down the second she found it.
I need Hermione. She’s here in my heart, where she’s meant to be.
Hermione.
I love you.
His arms were around me. He kissed the top of my head. He held me in his arms. But where did that get me? Nowhere. The same old story.
Why am I crying? I’ve cried enough in the past week. But then I’ve cried over him so much this past year.
Damn him.
Why did he have to touch me like that? Why did it have to feel so good to be held in his arms and to feel his breath on my cheek? Sitting there, next to him, on the threshold of a war, I felt safer than I ever had in my entire life.
Safe with Ron.
It was always Ron. Not even Viktor could reach into my soul and capture it the way Ron so effortlessly has, without either of us knowing.
I miss him.
I love him.
Why am I crying? I’ve cried enough in the past week. But then I’ve cried over him so much this past year.
Damn him.
Why did he have to touch me like that? Why did it have to feel so good to be held in his arms and to feel his breath on my cheek? Sitting there, next to him, on the threshold of a war, I felt safer than I ever had in my entire life.
Safe with Ron.
It was always Ron. Not even Viktor could reach into my soul and capture it the way Ron so effortlessly has, without either of us knowing.
I miss him.
I love him.
“Ron, please, help me with this.”
I walk over to my mum and help her spread the tablecloth, covering the marks on the oak tabletop. It’s an old table and a sturdy one. Why the hell am I thinking about the damn table right now? I’m miserable. My brother is getting married tomorrow and I haven’t seen Hermione in almost a month.
Missing her is making me sick. She’s the cure for what ails me.
“Ron? Are you alright?”
“I’m fine, Mum.”
“She’ll be here this evening, dear.” Am I really that obvious? Mum’s staring at me. She knows what’s bothering me even without my saying a word about it. It’s irritating really, the way Mum can do that. Hermione and Ginny do the same thing. Do girls take a special class at Hogwarts to learn how to do that?
“What?”
Today? I haven’t even shaved. I haven’t shaved in a week, but she doesn’t need to know that. Not that anyone could tell that it’s been a week.
Hermione will be here today.
I feel like a five-year-old waiting to open presents on Christmas morning. My stomach tightens. I’m nervous.
Nervous about Hermione?
What the hell is wrong with me?
I walk over to my mum and help her spread the tablecloth, covering the marks on the oak tabletop. It’s an old table and a sturdy one. Why the hell am I thinking about the damn table right now? I’m miserable. My brother is getting married tomorrow and I haven’t seen Hermione in almost a month.
Missing her is making me sick. She’s the cure for what ails me.
“Ron? Are you alright?”
“I’m fine, Mum.”
“She’ll be here this evening, dear.” Am I really that obvious? Mum’s staring at me. She knows what’s bothering me even without my saying a word about it. It’s irritating really, the way Mum can do that. Hermione and Ginny do the same thing. Do girls take a special class at Hogwarts to learn how to do that?
“What?”
Today? I haven’t even shaved. I haven’t shaved in a week, but she doesn’t need to know that. Not that anyone could tell that it’s been a week.
Hermione will be here today.
I feel like a five-year-old waiting to open presents on Christmas morning. My stomach tightens. I’m nervous.
Nervous about Hermione?
What the hell is wrong with me?
My clothes are folded and stuffed into my duffle. Sadly, this is most likely the last time I’ll be doing this, because I don’t know when I’ll be coming back here.
I’m going away with Ron. And Harry.
Harry is my friend, but if I had my way, I'd go round about the countryside with Ron and no one else. Deep down, though, I know I can't. I don't have that luxury anymore. Not until we've defeated Voldemort.
For Harry.
For everyone.
For us.
“Sweetheart, are you sure you won’t reconsider?”
“Mum, I have to. I can’t let him go by himself. He needs help.”
I don’t know whether I am talking about Ron or Harry. Either way you look at it, I need to go.
I have to go. I have to be with Ron.
The last few weeks have been the loneliest, dullest, most difficult days I have ever spent in my own home. This is where I should feel the happiest. The safest. But not anymore.
When I’m with Ron, I feel safe. I’m happy. I’m free to be just me.
I need him.
I need to tell him.
I’m going away with Ron. And Harry.
Harry is my friend, but if I had my way, I'd go round about the countryside with Ron and no one else. Deep down, though, I know I can't. I don't have that luxury anymore. Not until we've defeated Voldemort.
For Harry.
For everyone.
For us.
“Sweetheart, are you sure you won’t reconsider?”
“Mum, I have to. I can’t let him go by himself. He needs help.”
I don’t know whether I am talking about Ron or Harry. Either way you look at it, I need to go.
I have to go. I have to be with Ron.
The last few weeks have been the loneliest, dullest, most difficult days I have ever spent in my own home. This is where I should feel the happiest. The safest. But not anymore.
When I’m with Ron, I feel safe. I’m happy. I’m free to be just me.
I need him.
I need to tell him.
“Mum’ll kill you if you put a hole in the rug with all that pacing, Ron.”
I look up. Ginny smiles at me.
“Nice to see that smile again.”
She hasn’t smiled much lately, until today. Harry came over.
He’s been smiling, too.
Why is it so easy for them? I want that, too. I want to just sit and hold her. I hate fighting. But the fights are proof she cares. Without them, what do we have? We have no kisses. We have no secret smiles. We have no gentle touches. We have nothing.
I shake my head.
She makes me weak. She makes me strong. She drives me crazy. She keeps me sane. She makes me feel. I’m alive when I’m with her.
Harry has his arm around Ginny. He’s alive. Ginny does that for him. Hermione does that for me.
Does she feel the same way?
There’ve been times when I thought she did, but the time was never right. Slughorn’s party could have been our beginning. And then I went and mucked it up. Lavender. The canaries. Snogging in the common room. McLaggen. A lonely Christmas.
Being poisoned was possibly the best thing to ever happen to me. If that hadn’t happened, I don’t think I’d have ever been able to get away from Lavender; a Permanent Sticking Charm has nothing on that girl.
There’s a loud noise outside. Someone’s just Apparated.
She’s here.
Crap.
I look up. Ginny smiles at me.
“Nice to see that smile again.”
She hasn’t smiled much lately, until today. Harry came over.
He’s been smiling, too.
Why is it so easy for them? I want that, too. I want to just sit and hold her. I hate fighting. But the fights are proof she cares. Without them, what do we have? We have no kisses. We have no secret smiles. We have no gentle touches. We have nothing.
I shake my head.
She makes me weak. She makes me strong. She drives me crazy. She keeps me sane. She makes me feel. I’m alive when I’m with her.
Harry has his arm around Ginny. He’s alive. Ginny does that for him. Hermione does that for me.
Does she feel the same way?
There’ve been times when I thought she did, but the time was never right. Slughorn’s party could have been our beginning. And then I went and mucked it up. Lavender. The canaries. Snogging in the common room. McLaggen. A lonely Christmas.
Being poisoned was possibly the best thing to ever happen to me. If that hadn’t happened, I don’t think I’d have ever been able to get away from Lavender; a Permanent Sticking Charm has nothing on that girl.
There’s a loud noise outside. Someone’s just Apparated.
She’s here.
Crap.
“Promise us you’ll stay safe.” Mother cries. Father hugs me tightly.
His cologne is so different from Ron’s. Closing my eyes, I imagine Ron’s scent. Woodsy. Musky. Masculine.
I’ll see Ron in a matter of seconds. I feel scared. Nervous, even.
I decided last night that this would be either the best day of my life or the worst. I have to tell him today that he means more to me than top marks. More than following rules. More than being Head Girl. More than Hogwarts, A History. I will tell him what’s been in my heart for so long. And that frightens me. What if he doesn’t want me? What if he…?
Images of Lavender Brown stuck to his lips fill my head and I choke back the tears. Is that what he really wants? No. I couldn’t have read things that terribly.
We came so close before Christmas. It would have been perfect. And then Ron had to go and be…Ron.
Brilliantly, thoroughly Ron. Even after all the heartache and avoiding him, and crying over him, and watching him lying in the hospital bed, one thing remained.
I trust my heart.
With a deep breath, I Apparate to The Burrow. To Ron.
His cologne is so different from Ron’s. Closing my eyes, I imagine Ron’s scent. Woodsy. Musky. Masculine.
I’ll see Ron in a matter of seconds. I feel scared. Nervous, even.
I decided last night that this would be either the best day of my life or the worst. I have to tell him today that he means more to me than top marks. More than following rules. More than being Head Girl. More than Hogwarts, A History. I will tell him what’s been in my heart for so long. And that frightens me. What if he doesn’t want me? What if he…?
Images of Lavender Brown stuck to his lips fill my head and I choke back the tears. Is that what he really wants? No. I couldn’t have read things that terribly.
We came so close before Christmas. It would have been perfect. And then Ron had to go and be…Ron.
Brilliantly, thoroughly Ron. Even after all the heartache and avoiding him, and crying over him, and watching him lying in the hospital bed, one thing remained.
I trust my heart.
With a deep breath, I Apparate to The Burrow. To Ron.
There she is. My Hermione. My heart does a little back flip and I feel giddy. And nervous. And sick to my stomach.
But she’s here. And that’s all that matters.
But she’s here. And that’s all that matters.
The first thing I notice are his eyes as I reappear. He looks the same, yet different.
I have to swallow in order to keep the words from spilling out of my mouth. I feel flustered, terrified at this new feeling. I’ve always known what to say to him, but now, just looking at him makes me mute.
I have to swallow in order to keep the words from spilling out of my mouth. I feel flustered, terrified at this new feeling. I’ve always known what to say to him, but now, just looking at him makes me mute.
After dinner, we decide to take a walk. We need to be anywhere but in the house with all these people. Fred and George’s inane chatter about whatever it is they’ve cooked up for the “grand finale” has become irritating. Bill and Fleur have disappeared and a search party is sure to be dispatched soon. Harry and Ginny have worked things out. I’m happy for them both, really, but there is a more pressing matter that I need to take care of first. I need to say how I feel without an audience, without pressure from anyone.
At a bench in the garden we look into each other’s eyes. Those eyes are the ones I want to greet me every morning and the ones I want to watch close in sleep.
With a deep breath, I smile and receive one in return. As if on cue, we speak at the same time.
We both laugh.
“Shall we try again?”
“You first.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
“I love you.”
At a bench in the garden we look into each other’s eyes. Those eyes are the ones I want to greet me every morning and the ones I want to watch close in sleep.
With a deep breath, I smile and receive one in return. As if on cue, we speak at the same time.
We both laugh.
“Shall we try again?”
“You first.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
“I love you.”